ITS A HEART CONDITION

In talking with an old friend last week I was dumbfounded, and then angered, by the following exchange:

"Tell Arnie he should drive the bus into a brick wall."

I had do idea as to why this person would want my husband to drive into a wall.

He then replied, "But He should jump out of the bus first."

Again, I was stumped, "Why on earth would he do that?"

"Well he's driving the QUEERS ON WHEELS tour."

(My husband is currently on tour with the STARS ON ICE.)

In reading the above how did it make you feel? Shocked and appalled or did you agree with the sentiments of my old friend? I know it took less that a second for my heart to register what my ears and brain had processed.
This is a person whom I have known for nearly 11 years. A 'go to' guy in whatever church he has served in. And this, THIS is what he shared with me?
I am going through something in my life that is challenging my response to those in the world. Not just the CHRISTIAN world, but the one we live in outside of the
church walls. I am daily being reminded of the two commandments that JESUS CHRIST himself stated we, HIS FOLLOWERS, were to obey:

Luke 10:27And he answered, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself."

I don't see Christ stating to ---Love your neighbor as yourself ... unless they are GAY...unless they are divorced, liars or drunkards. etc, etc.

How on earth do we claim to know CHRIST and yet harbor hatred in our hearts for a people whom GOD loves. A people, he too in fact, DIED FOR?

And how often we forget that God says, 1 John 3:15 Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.

You may not be Gay or Lesbian. That may not be your particular 'sin' issue. For you, it might be GLUTTONY --- a much IGNORED sin in the worldwide church.
You may be someone with a propensity for LYING. You may be someone right now, realizing the truth of your ADULTEROUS AFFAIR is about to be revealed to your spouse.
You may be a well thought of highly esteemed teenager in your youth group who is SEXUALLY ACTIVE with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You may be a believer who is WITHHOLDING THE TITHE.
Or a woman who cannot stop COVETING what her best friend has, whether it be a Dolche and Gabana satchel or the latest pair of Prada shoes.
You may be a man who has brought great emotional harm to his wife and is now walking the lonely road of DIVORCE. You may be an employee who delights in GOSSIP MONGERING.
You may be eaten alive with PRIDE and SELF IMPORTANCE. You may be a Christian who has UNFORGIVENESS in your heart for someone who deeply hurt you.
Regardless of what 'sin' the secret part of your heart holds, there's a very powerful and meaningful truth --- a wake-up call to everyone who claims to be a follower of Christ and believes they have it all under control. Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
That ALL includes Y-O-U! Grab a mirror and take a good long look at the face you call your own.
Do you remember what it is YOU have been saved from? How wretched and dirty your own soul was and at times may very well still be? Have you forgotten the very sin in YOU that Christ shed HIS BLOOD to cover?

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world (the drunks, the liars, the gluttons, the covetous, the sexually immoral) that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not die but have eternal life."

Do you believe that Christ's sacrifice covers their sin or just the more acceptable ones you occassionally dabble in?

If Christ told us to love, to go into the world sharing the GOOD NEWS --- was that with a religious bat or with the truth of HIS LOVE?
Are you being Jesus with skin to your neighbors? Not only the straight ones but those who are very much the modern day 'lepers' of our society --- your gay and lesbian neighbors? They are indeed part of the world. And just like you and me they are, more often than not, hurting wounded people.

You may want to dig alittle deeper today and see what CONDITION your HEART is in.

A ROAD DADDY AND A BIRD!

As some of you may know my husband drives a bus. Not any old Greyhound bus, but the million dollar coaches associated with the music artists of today's rock and roll, pop, country and even gospel scene. He is an A-list driver who has worked for Britney Spears, N-Sync, Faith Hill, Wide Spread Panic and here for about the last four years, Lynyrd Skynyrd, to name just a few. I am privy to some back-stage spoiler but like a good wife, keep my lips closed and just nod my head like I care. LOL. Artists seem to be cut from the same narcissistic cloth, its just the way they roll. Anyway, I digress so let me get quickly to the point. Occasionally, Arnie will have a really great story. And this past week he had me close to peeing my pants while driving. Let me recount this as best I can.

2 am and the bus is rather quiet.

Arnie is driving (or flying at about ** miles per hour) down a dark desert highway with Sparky, guitarist for Skynyrd, sitting up in the captains chair listening to Arnie drone on about loving his wife and kids. (okay so maybe that isn't what they were talking about but --- don't kill my joy!)

Anyhow, out of the corner of my husband's keen eye, he saw a dark shadow zoom by and then it happened.

BAM!!! *&%!!!!!

Husband recalls his heart nearly stopping and his shorts getting wet.

Sparky lept into the entrance well turning around and around in circles doing what I refer to as the dooky-dance. You know the one where your kids run in short little circles holding their hand over their butt cuz they're gonna drop one but can't seem to get to the bathroom???? Yeah that's the dance.

In addition to the circles, he continuously mumbled and then shouted out some passionate word that takes no imagination, but rhymes with truck! Apparently, the dancing lasted a couple of revolutions as Arnie had to ask him if he was okay. Eventually he was --- after his heart rate settled down. The large OWL bit the proverbial road dust. Poor bird, he was probably just looking for a branch to perch on but ended up meeting his maker.

When the rest of the gang awakened in the am, finding the damage to the driver's side wind shield, they were amazed. After all, they commented, "we didn't even feel you swerve!" Husband answered them, "that's because I didn't!"

Isn't that the best? Those are the stories I live for. I met my husband nearly 20 years ago while he drove for the group I was touring with. He is an amazing driver and takes his job very seriously. I guess that's why he's ALWAYS asked back. He can be little irreverent at times but he's also one of the most hard-working and loyal men I have ever met. He's had me in stitches more times than I can count --- LOVE HIM!!!

So glad this bird's aim was little too high. Because I want a life-time more of those funny moments.

All joking aside. It really could have ended quite badly.

A HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN!

This was the hardest secret we have EVER kept in our house.

We had to schedule Savannah's birthday celebration on a Sunday due to a work conflict. Consequently, she thought we actually had NOTHING planned.


(Typical teenager, right?)

Truth is, we had this in the works and were hoping it would have the desired effect....

IT DID!!!!!

YEP! I'M A KID AGAIN......

Yesturday I received a phone call that turned me into a kid again. One of my friends called to tell me she had just left Claire's and noticed they had Patrick Dempsey barbie dolls and asked if I she should pick one up for me.

"Seriously?....let me think a minute......ahh, YES!"

She started to laugh, as only a true friend would, and then turned her car around to head back to the store she had already left. SWEET! Within 20 minutes she arrived with my prize and we both giggled like we were 12 years old. Ahh, I am blessed with the most loyal of all friends.

As you probably imagined, Greys Anatomy is my one true vice, or as my teens like to tell me, my crack addiction. They humor me as I pull back the layers to the plot like a crime-scene investigator on CSI.

Yep, I'm that kind of fan. I examine this show like the very best pathologist --- 'colors, motivation of the characters, what episode does it link us back to? Will Meredith and Derek ever get it right?' Those are the thoughts and questions that whirl around my head after watching this show. I know there are people who think I have lost my mind, or what's left of it, after all, its just a television program. But I say, "Oh really, I suppose Jane Eyre was just a book. Hmmph!"

The fact is, Greys Anatomy is layered with characters who are deeply flawed though filled with heart. They often exhibit the best and worst of humanity. They make choices that I most definitely would NEVER make for myself. But they also move me to FEEL something. I see that even in the screwed up mess the characters have often created in their lives, there is beauty to be discovered in their triumph and lessons to be gleaned in their failures. (There is also Dr. Derek Shepherd aka McDreamy. LOL)

There is an underlying theme of grace in this show --- of learning to love those who get it wrong more than they get it right and of course --- of learning to forgive when someone has painfully and willfully rendered undeniable harm.

It's an awfully complex little television show, my Greys Anatomy. I'm not one to answer the phone on a Thursday night, so remember that. And please don't hate me for it. The show will come to an end in a couple of more seasons and Seattle Grace Hospital will be no more. I will have to watch Mr. Dempsey race cars for his hyper-sport team or pay the $8.25 ticket price for the latest movie he stars in.

But until then, I'll keep my Thursday night Greys appointment --- and my Patrick Dempsey barbie doll! LOL

NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF ALL....

Ughhh! When will it EVER stinking end!!?? No matter how many times I ask for the dirty clothes to be brought to the laundry room, I find myself walking into my kids hazardous habitats only to be greeted by the stench of their dirty clothes and filthy underwear. You would think since one of my kids, who shall remain nameless, cannot use a towel twice --- (since the idea of using said towel on his face that once wiped his just showered butt is just..... 'ewwwwwwww' ---[oops] ) that he would actually WANT his filthy stinking undergarments WASHED!

I don't know, maybe this is just happening in my little corner of my little world and you ---whoever you might be --- cannot relate at all. But there are days when the thought of washing and then folding one more garment of clothing drives me to want to drink! And I don't mean a cup of overpriced Starbucks coffee or a Diet Coke! It is also a sad but simple truth that my kids do not greet their freshly washed clothing, or their mother, with chants of "you are blessed, you're so great mom, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" As a matter of fact, after the monotonous washing and the folding, I sometimes have to plead with them to actually put their clothes away! Funny, right?

In any event, I am reminded that --- necessity is the mother of all invention. Once upon a long, long time ago, women had to use a wash board and lye soap to clean the family's garments! Laundry was a back breaking chore that often took HOURS to complete. Someone, probably a woman ---or better yet--- a husband who was sick of his wife's drinking habit, determined it would be highly beneficial to all of mankind to --- invent the washing machine. Hmmm, necessity brought man invention. And many happier women.

So instead of complaining:

I will joyfully load up that GE Washer and thank Thomas Edison for bringing electricity into my home.

I will accomplish this task in very short order, which is why I am able to sit here and BLOG about my kids and their dirty underwear!

I will stick to drinking coffee and Diet Coke and stay away from the hard stuff!

I might even decide to invent something --- how bout an implanted micro-chip that gently shocks a teen-ager whenever their dirty dainties hit the bedroom floor!

Ahhhh, now that would be a Pulitzer Prize winner.

Shock and Awe

Take just a moment to observe this incredible picture taken of some star system far, far away.

What does it make you feel....

Small and insignifigant?

Do you ever take time to marvel at the fact that our world is perfectly suited to our very existence?

Do you take it for granted,

Expecting it to always be.....

I feel something when I gaze upon this image

Power like the turbulent ocean.

Majesty like a blazing red sunset.

Glory that is blinding white.

Chaos that is......control.

I feel like God does NOT reside inside my square little box.

What do you feel.....

Sunday Monday

Sunday.

The day I attend Church.

To cleanse.

To enlighten my heart and mind with ideas that are bigger than ME.

Lofty goal.....

Especially when it ends with a throw down between my two female off-spring that would give the WWF a run for its overpaid, over hyped money!

Here is the reality of my day of rest. The text read: "...You better tell your favorite daughter to back off or I will jump her right here right now and rip her hair out and stuff it in her mouth....."

Wooohooo ---- that was so full of Jesus wasn't it?

Thirteen and near 16 years old often mix like oil and water. You can take them places together ---- and often watch the fireworks ignite.

The younger sister thinks the older sister is the favorite. The older sister believes the younger one is because in her mind ---- baby girl gets away with everything.

(not true)

Mother gets drawn into the fight and 16 year old gets mad at her!!!!!! What???

I spent over two hours sorting through the emotional mind field of my girls. Both cried. But only one called UNCLE. The sender of that ominous text asked for forgiveness. Receiver allowed herself to be hugged but didn't want to reciprocate. Ughh!

Mother considered running away!

When I was pregnant all those moons ago, rubbing my over-inflated belly, I imagined what they would look like and sound like.

Dark hair?

Blue, green or brown eyes?

Would they be artistic?

I really had no idea there would be days like this. Sure, I had siblings ---- brothers. But somehow in the wonder lust of love, while building a life with the one I CHOSE to create family with ---- I FORGOT!!!

I often remind my girls that God intentionally put them in a family ---together! This didn't happen by accident but with design and with intent!

There are moments though --- when I wonder if God's intent was to drive me to the funny farm!



Monday.

Week begins at a rapid pace.

Jaelyn walks down the stairs to retrieve book-bag.

Mother hears her say, "bye Gregg, love you .... love you, Savannah."



Mother waits.....

Savannah's reply, "love you too JJ."

Mother decides NOT to run away. :-)

CODE RED!

It was a very interesting Monday. Upon arriving at Smyrna High School, Savannah's lunch in hand, I took note of the 10 Smyrna Police squad cars that also pulled into the parking lot. I immediately began to referee a war of thoughts inside my head --- something is seriously wrong VS. this must be a drill." Within moments it was clear that this WAS NOT A DRILL when I spotted the two armed police officers just inside the entrance. I whipped out my cellphone, dialed Ron Alley, and asked him to alert the church staff --- and to have them pray. Having no idea what was occurring inside the school walls, it was the only pro-active action I could think to take. I then picked up my husband and quickly headed back to the school.

It was then that I received the first text message from Gregg which read, "WHOAAA!!!" (That must have been the moment the teachers were instructed to lock -down and the students were told to get under the desks.)

Well, the above is NOT the kind of message a mother wants to read when there is potential danger to her son and daughter! It stirs up all kinds of anxious ideas, especially when compounded by said daughter NOT RESPONDING to mom OR brother's texts. Ughh!

21 minutes later Savannah finally let me know she was alright. Unfortunately, my husband and I both learned, at about the same time, that there was a SEVERE OUTSIDE THREAT to the school! GULP!

It is astounding what occurs within the human female psyche when bombarded by fear.

Heart rate increases --- CHECK.

Breathing becomes rapid and shallow --- CHECK.

Blood pressure increases --- CHECK.

Husband has to remind wife to BREATHE --- CHECK!!!!!

Does it sound exciting? Yep, to some it might. When Gregg and Savannah arrived home and shared with me their own experiences of the day, we managed to find the humor in the events that they encountered. For instance, Gregg realized that the janitorial staff needs to step up and get better at mopping the floors. Savannah was offered the arms of a boy interested in holding her --- if she was scared! LOL. She said no --- but then he proceeded to ask her out to dinner! Huh!?

So, let me get this straight, while I was facing down a mother's fear --- my son was finding the humor in a dirty floor and my daughter was being hit on! Hmmmmm.


Is there a life lesson in there somewhere???

CANCER S__KS!

A wonderful thing happened to me recently. I stumbled upon the FACEBOOK application and decided, on a whim, to give it a try. I created my homepage, which isn't nearly as MYSPACE complicated, and started the search. I found old friends that I had attended elementary, junior-high and senior high-school with. INCREDIBLE! There was one friend, in particular, I had just recently began thinking about --- ALOT!. Her name was Kimberly. She was a red-headed spit fire --- the only child to a very successful attorney and stay at home mom. Her daddy was a trip! The kind that would get in the pool with you and wrestle --- till you nearly drowned! It was all in good fun though. He grilled, he swam, he played Marco Polo and he encouraged. He and his wife just opened their home to Kim's friends and welcomed them. I loved that family alot.

Kim and I found a separate 'click' to hang with mid-way through our junior year of high-school. Consequently, we lost touch. Her dad passed away from cancer while we were both finishing our time at Miami Palmetto Sr. High. She went one way and I the other. But these last few months, as I've wondered what ever happened to her, I have known, in the back of my mind, that GOD has a way of working out the details.

And lo and behold......

Kimberly is living in Atlanta, Georgia. Married for 19 years. She has no children unless you count the dog, Charlie!

Another thing I discovered? CANCER.

She was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer this year. I'm sure you can surmise the rest. Lumpectomy, Radiation and TODAY --- SURGERY.

If you feel lead, would you please PRAY for this lovely woman? I don't know what her beliefs about God or heaven are, but I do know --- I want to have the chance to get to know my friend again. She is very precious to HIM and ---- I am counting on God's timing being PERFECT in this!



But when we get to heaven don't be surprised if you STILL hear me say to Jesus, "CANCER S__KS!"

Mister-understood....

I decided after the wonderful time I had yesturday with the Viking Victor in my house that --- TODAY would be different. It helps that my husband left out on the next leg of his tour last night --- with each limb still intact and not one very long hair harmed on his head. But he didn't take the other male with him. LOL. So there is still just a bit of the cataclysmic bang threatening to explode in my lovely little abode..... No, not really :-)

I was just taking a few moments to sift through my son's pictures he's saved onto my computer. I do this periodically to ensure I am not caught unawares if you, as a parent, know what I mean. I stumbled across some very old interpretations of my oldest child. Remember the good old days when he would walk into the church we attend with the spiked out, jet-black hair and the 4 inch Marilyn Manson wedged boots???? eeeeek. Hated it then and I would hate it now. Remember when he just couldn't stand being agree-able or when he had to say, do and believe the bi-polar opposite of everything I, his fiercest enemy--- in his eyes, stood for? My georgous boy and I walked through a very dark time together. There were many days and nights when I cried myself to sleep thinking he would hate me forever and that he wouldn't make it through to the other side.

Well, he turns 18 in December. A couple of weeks ago a young man from our church said, "Hello, Mrs. Knapp." Honestly, I had no earthly idea who he was but I responded with a warm greeting and apologized for my lapse in memory. He introduced himself and explained, "Well I know you from watching you sing BUT.........." And here is where it started to get interesting "...I had Gregg in my cabin a few years ago and Kathryn is my sister."

"Oh,... I see." He then went on to inquire about Gregg. I told him he was doing really well --- 4.0 GPA, looking for a job etc, etc. The young man then stated that 'Gregg was a really cool kid' and that he thought 'he got a bad wrap when he often didn't deserve it.' Hmmm....

Gregg is extremely intelligent, and a hard-core artist. In a nutshell, he wants to shake up the norm, elicit a response and challenge the mind. He often succeeded --- but it came with a price. For a few years, Gregg used himself to interpret his art. He expressed his anger, his joy, his rebellion and his frustration through his clothes, his shoes and his hair.

But he was probably more honest than many of the kids he attended school or church with.

He put his thoughts out there, good or bad, and he challenged the status quo. The thing I appreciated, even in his dark days, was that he was who he was. He didn't apologize for it or want to --- even when I coerced. He was making the journey --- that IS his alone to make. He still doesn't believe everything I do. That's okay. Because there is someone who loves this kid even more than his father and I --- and HE understands my son, mister-understood, far better than you or I ever will.

For BETTER or WORSE!

First let me preface this by saying publicly --- I LOVE MY HUSBAND! But right now, at this very moment, I am having Alley McBeal visions of rendering bodily harm to my very own HIGHLANDER! GRRRRRRRRR. This morning did NOT go the way I expected it to, noooooooo, not by a longshot! He took me to breakfast, where along with our coffee and eggs, he proceeded to tell me I was acting like an ____! (insert your own adjective --- maybe the one your husband or signifigant other uses on you.) To say I was hurt was an understatement. I realize that I am NO WHERE NEAR PERFECT, but I do try my best to be moderately capable and accommodating. Those of you who know me, are aware of the fact that my husband is out on the road --- MOST OF THE TIME. So I am here raising our brood very much like a single woman. Most days I manage well and even get everything done efficiently and with a smile on my face, but there are about 7 days a month when nature and nurture collide with a cataclysmic BANG! I do my utmost best to warn those around me, but let me just say --- not everyone heeds the warning. My kids have jokingly told my closest friend that its fun to push my buttons! Yeah, whoop-Dee-do! Well this morning, they weren't the problem. Neither were my hormones. Apparently, MY FACE WAS --- it betrayed me! I should know better by now because --- it always does! Believe me, it's not a good thing either.

Here's what occurred to the best of my recollection. My husband likes to lighten my load whenever he comes home, he wakes up baby JJ(Jaelyn ---13), makes coffee for me and then gets the rest of our off-spring moving toward the day ahead. Awesome, right? I KNOW!! All was running smoothly until he arrived home after taking baby JJ to school. He then proceeded, all warm and protective like, to warn me about the police cleverly hidden up and down the main road outside our neighborhood. Gasp. That's when the betrayal occurred. The muscles in my face took it upon themselves to contort into the 'tell me something I don't already know, lug head' position and the --- Match. Was. On! In this corner, 6ft 2in Viking Victor vs. 5ft 4in Hormonal Heroine!!!!! So. Not. Good. Arnie also informed me that the muscles in my eyes contracted in an exaggerated, albeit CIRCULAR, motion. So. Much. Worse!!!

I don't know if stellar moments like these are betrayed by YOUR face in your house but --- whew!... let me tell you, not the way to start your day around here. It followed us to the local Cracker Barrel and ruined what should have been a lovely re-start to our day. I'll say this again though --- I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I just hope he continues to overlook the 'for worse' moments and cling to the treasure of the BETTER ones. Because there will be more of them to come --- for better AND for worse.....

When Savannah Smiles....

This is a huge week for all of us here in our world: School started, my oldest kids, Gregg and Savannah, have been hustling to find after school jobs and my husband is home after a month of touring on the road with Lynyrd Skynyrd. Busy just doesn't paint the picture with enough color. It's been the fast and the furious around here. And in the middle of it all I am watching my first baby girl attempt to maneuver through a very tough transition in her personal life. Her boyfriend, Blake, is leaving this Thursday to attend UT Knoxville. Just witnessing her internal struggle is enough to make my own eyes spring leaks. I know that she will conquer this change --- they both will. I even have, down in my gut, a bit of optimism that they just may make it all the way home to a family of their very own one day. But right now, my heart is longing for something --- priceless. I'm longing for my daughter and her very special guy to know peace. Dare I even say --- to have some fun and joy these last 48 hours. I understand that this may be unattainable, after all, there is a dark cloud of the unknown on their horizon. But I also believe, for my husband, myself and now Blake, that there may be nothing on earth quite as endearing as when Savannah smiles. I have experienced its force when away from it too long. It's one of the first things her daddy longs to see when he returns to us from off the road. I wonder if it will light the way home for Blake as well. Hmmm....